Who Am I?

Who am I?

First and foremost, I’m your typical Nobody Special and I started writing in here as a way to express a lot and share a little of my Nobody Special kind of things.
Next, although I haven’t let it define me (who would?), I have been on what we all know as The Spectrum my entire life. I “picked up” my dual diagnoses (ADD and Asperger’s) in my latter 40s.
Due to being contacted a little more than previous years, I’ve had the small misfortune of being confronted concerning the ASD issue.
So, even though I prefer to not live my life online and I don’t need to explain the more intimate aspects of an interestingly lived life, I feel I should take the time to clear up a few things.

If not for a more clear picture of “who the heck I think I am”, then to spare myself the tedious ugliness of being told I don’t understand or worse yet, “don’t care”. Based solely on the fact that I’m not “acting” like what is expected nor parroting popular opinions and concerns of alleged “autism experts”.

I was born in ’69. Adopted by a severe alcoholic German mother and her military husband.
I have an exceptional long term memory. Unfortunately, this means a lot of the abuse replays more clear with a frequency unexperienced by most.
Abuse like being hit on the head with wooden spoons, nails sunk into my skin, being grabbed and shaken and/or pushed, slaps to the face..bla and bla. Of course, I was also familiar with “the strap” that many of us were accustomed to as part of our disciplinary regimens.

The name-calling is what bored into my young heart on a regular basis.
Being called a “retard”; with whatever German word stood for it. By my “mother”. Her favorite stand-by was a phrase, also in German, which declared that I was afflicted with “a hole in my head” because the things that came out of my mouth were stupid. Unbelievable (though I admit I did lie a healthy amount to try avoiding getting hit) and a variety of other adjectives that covered the range of insults from “foolish” to “childish”.
My rocking in chairs (sometimes for up to half an hour) until the springs squeaked annoyingly on top of a simultaneous side to side flinging of my pigtails, just one of many things that got on her ever-loving nerves to the point of many angry explosions.
I refuse to describe the physically manifested problems I had as a child. Many ASD folks will already know of a few. Goodness knows the “experts” of today are letting the rest of society know what embarrassing problems a lot of us suffer and can not help.

So..enough said on that.
I was told often over the course of fourteen years of how I would never amount to “a damned thing”. In her drunken mania she would manage to tie together the fact I was “tossed aside like garbage” at birth to a continuing state of “being garbage” as an adult. I was blessed with only a fourteen year stay with her because I was eventually taken into state custody after the years of all major three types of abuse coming to a rather dramatic end.
Then…I lived my life though a few decades and here I am with you now.
THAT’s who I am.
Not many people I have met know these things. Because I have been blessed to have worked through a thankfully long passed, albeit impossible to forget, childhood. Most people never hear of how I was bullied in the several public schools I attended. And it’s near to impossible to explain the many interpersonal problems I’ve created or problems that simply occurred with people. A lot I am regretful over because I also began a binge drinking habit from age 17. I prefer to speak about how I finally stopped drinking completely…coming up on eleven years now.
THAT’S who I am.
I’m a poet. I love to write. I could be a smartass and indulge some fantasy over enjoying moonlit walks on beaches with friends, but I haven’t succeeded in keeping any close friends.
That also is AOK with me. I’m the sort of person who has taught herself how to accept responsibility for things I have done. Whatever hasn’t been tidied up in this eccentric carcass, you can believe that I am still working on it..MOST happily because I relish the feeling of freeing myself from troubles. And lord, am I grateful for the missing moments of hurt or discomfort I used to bring others.
I will assume many will realize this wasn’t a pity trip. I’d like to trust that.
I will not expound on whether my children have been diagnosed or afflicted because their lives are theirs and theirs alone to do with as they wish as adults as long as they are able. I know I “made it” to the best of my ability and I have done and will do my best to preserve that FACT and FAITH for them. We’ve been blessed that they haven’t been affected in the ways thousands have been in an astonishingly and horrifyingly fast progressive rate.
I also am keenly aware and dismayed of how many of our children aren’t destined to “make it” due to the severity of their conditions. It enrages me, to tell the truth, at times.
The way we are being convinced to bring our children into a system that is now labeling them as “mentally ill” nearly from birth.
The way twenty years of laws have been created and all sorts of “advice” have been spewed…when there is not a single peep from a single “authority” from where these conditions came from.

I can’t even stomach, some times, reading literature from the nineties or early 2000s from the medical community and our governments and I realize they seem to have been ready for these particular problems…even though the public as a whole just became familiar with them in the last ten years.
And don’t get me started on when I heard and watched that heaping of several formerly singular diseases into that one massive ASD category. Still…with barely a word spoken to us, never mind the decent respect of doing anything other than blueprint and institute monitoring, surveilling and TELLING us how things are going to be….”to make life more comfortable” for “Us”.

Pff. Sure.
So..there you go..Who I Am.
May the majority of the few of you who stumble across this be the sort
of people who can be considered understanding friends-if I was able to “behave” (smile)
And may I not have to deal with future confrontations or accusations on what I “know” or “understand” because I will not waste any of our times responding to such harshness. There are far more important and complicated matters to deal with which , I dare say, haven’t been known to us on this scale..ever in our global history as brothers and sisters.

original featured photo By STUDIO GRAND OUEST