I Was a Woman. I Guess.

nude body girl. Naked woman back

A court case caught my attention recently.
Broke my heart is what it did.
It reminded me of a routine humiliation I went through as a little girl.
It’s something I never found anyone to relate to because it was such a unique molestation.


And then, decades later, I read this blatant horror.
http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/7th-circuit-wont-overrule-precedent-barring-female-inmates-claim-over-training-searches


Though it took my breath away, I’m fully aware that the trolls dragging our society into this Black hole as they are, are doing so with shrugs all around and with nothing but a sense of indifferent glee-over being so thoroughly hidden and thoroughly effective.
Like all good cowards tend to do and be.


I was moved to write a bit of fiction about an “everywoman” character stuck in this nightmare.
It’s the only thing I’m able to do, unfortunately..being in the same ragged and wretched boat as everyone else in this world..as nothings and nobodies at the mercy of even the highest courts in this land.


At the very least, stories such as these can (or should) bring about a more sobering reality of how much trouble our daughters truly are in…if we continue turning to a smiling and “caring” System for answers.

When it couldn’t care less if we lived or died a thousand deaths each and every day.


(No, there was no Mr. So-n-So for me.
It was more like Mr and Mrs. So-n-so before they headed off to bed..if it matters.
Which it doesn’t. Not anymore.)


I Was A Woman. I Guess.

She said..

“I am a woman.

And I did a bad thing.
I stole some money and other things that landed me in prison.
I don’t believe all that much in making excuses, but you seem like you may understand.
About the single mom. Poor, desperate and such.
I guess.

I was raised with a lot of good, a little of the bad. Nothing special.
I chased after butterflies as a little girl.
When I got a little older, I tried chasing a few dreams.
Maybe the same as you.

I guess.

I am a woman. And a bad thing happened to me last week.
I’m still in prison, as I will be for a few more years. As I know and accepted.
I don’t get into any extra trouble but found myself being punished anyway.
Like one of those bad times I had as a little girl
with “Mr. So n So”
When he had me take off my clothes and lay down on the bed
so.. he could get “a good look at me.”

He said I had to keep it a secret or else my parents would be pissed, you know?
He’d touch himself and I’d keep my eyes closed.
Burning with shame.
Wishing I could shrink. Needing desperately to disappear. Although I never once did.
I suppose that’s not quite what you’ve experienced.
I guess.

I’m a woman.
And it took a minute or two getting that pain behind me.
Well.. until last week.
When I was told to strip.
Again.
Told to spread my privates wide open.
Again.
In front of men’s eyes.
Again…
Burning with shame.
Wishing I could shrink. But because
I am a woman
I choked down the tears. Hard.  
Because I fought too long and went through too much in this life
to end up letting these folks see me break down like a little girl…
Again.

I am a woman.
Or at least I thought so.
Not this voiceless and worthless and helpless Thing that
I was taught
I was promised
I was assured
and reassured that I would never be
As the woman I only thought I was.

I guess.”

 

written by Ramsy

photo By eugenepartyzan

 

 

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