I will start this entry by admitting that
I am wrong.
I am wrong for the occasional cheap shots that I write and I am wrong for the flotsam of relatable insults committed within the framework of this journal.
It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop. Though I might. We’ll see.
It also doesn’t mean that I have been lying or misrepresenting what I truly feel inside. Having admitted this wrong, I’d also like a chance to explain why I’m not sorry.
Not a week can go by, if not single days, where I don’t end up with tears in my eyes.
In short, a sampling of thoughts which stir them the most..
..the time my mother reduced my long hair into a two inch cap of curls- sneering something along the line of
“You want to act like a boy, then you can be dressed like one.”
I remember the blue jeans, ugly boots (hiking and “moon”) and five days of plaid shirts that replaced the lace, ribbons and shiny patent leather I had been dressed in and which I had loved a LOT.
She took them all away. In one fell and drunken swoop of anger and confusion (amongst countless other times) over how I “couldn’t act right”.
Gone as well, my remaining and fragile hopes of the already cruel bullying and whispered giggles at school not getting any worse than they had already been.
It’s the memory of how that humiliation set the stage of an entire lifetime of having to “justify” my “right to be” the female I was born as.
No matter how many babies I’ve carried or assaults I’ve suffered at the hands of a rare number of men, this overall confrontation over how I was ever “supposed” to “act”….was an immense burden to carry.
Especially when it was strapped to the back of another burden. The one which many old time “mixed breed” children know all too well-that infernal “what are you?” choose-a-side confrontation..when neither side ended up being impressive enough for one to continue losing sleep over anyway.
Both issues which are now shamelessly exploited, without input nor permission, from the members who have much more to say on who we are and what we need. Unless we echo what “massa” has to say on the matters, of course.
I remember smacking or sneak attacking innocent children (the same age as me at the time, mind you) on the playground. For no earthly reasons what-so-ever. Not all of the time, but enough to greatly supplement the “creepiness” in me that many avoided and which I couldn’t help, at the time, for the life of me.
The most vivid recollection comes from when I was four to five years old. I used to have a young friend come over and play badminton with me and my mother, in our backyard.
The memory in question is when I brought my racket down on the top of her very small and very platinum head..and raised my own small arm to do it again. And again.
I used to steal other children’s completed homework to erase their names and put my own. Ridiculous stuff.
Even though I was made fun of (songs being sung by most of the children, laughter, spitballs) at times like wetting my pants at a bus stop or such, the times of my doling out assaults had great chances of being just as unprovoked as they could have been otherwise.
As abused as I may have been, I can absolutely admit that some of the offenses I committed and strange behaviors could be so intolerable that they would have tried the souls and patience of many decent human beings.
The fact that we now have entire and full sets of similarly afflicted generations of children, more common than rare…that’s what starts the tears.
The fact of it having been purposefully and cruelly worked into this world?
That’s what keeps the tears falling.
My occasional cruelties started from the earliest years to evolve into absurd and perverse varieties, thanks to an adulthood saturated by seventeen years of binge drinking alcoholism.
When the tears start on that subject, it has to do with the tears that others have shed due to my behaviors.
The fact that I often laughed in response or simply jammed the insults deeper….most definitely, regrettably and forever so, keep them falling.
The fact that I could never earn unconditional love or peace from a majority of people remarking or silently reacting to my “weirdness”..without my knowing how to change or control it for the longest time….
The fact that I had to “justify” nearly all that I was ,against the all too occasional rude and arrogant “normal” individual, when all I wanted was to simply “be” without jumping through hoops or stressing every detail of my behaviors..to earn a little automatic respect…to no avail..
The fact that I finally worked through the toughest challenges, beat the odds of maintaining long term sobriety and achieved solid confidence to actually smile and speak to and look at people, into their forever misunderstanding eyes…only to find out that the receiving of never-ending suspicion and unspoken uneasiness still continues no matter how much I have changed or how hard I try…
The fact that I finally ended up finding the ability to love and bond with the generation of young children I birthed and/or helped raise, to secure those precious moments of joy which I and faithless others were convinced I’d never earn nor find….
..only to watch even this love be ripped away due to the animosity purposefully woven into this society..and to lose it through the twisting of sacred memories, loss of communication and a cruel retelling of my story as a person as I never was or ever could be (aside from the true moments of admitted wrongdoings) because my children have now also been infected in processes that have mangled their reasoning and states of mind… very much in the same way I and my own peers experienced…..
All of these things and many more, believe it or not, are why I have no chance to escape thinking of them at least every week. Month after month. And year after year because these discomforts and troubles are now spread world-wide, repeated within tens of thousands of homes and countless human lives.
To know there no longer exists a justice system to address or punish those who set and now carry this bio-chemical nightmare into motion…
And to suffer the cold and unempathetic abuses of a first generation of Vaxxies (a great number of them, unknowing and manipulated victims themselves) who sit in the highest seats of power; automatons programmed to carry out lunatic instructions.
They too suffer. Unable to nurture, comfort or connect within their own families, forced to be alone, dedicated to their assigned grinds and filled to the brim with vinegar and disdain for an entire society…until they too vanish, self destruct..as was intended.
All of it, how it was a known and certain result for humankind…encourages the tears.
The rage. Forced to deal with a small group of human individuals, lives rife with filth and wrongdoing, could agree to bring pain to billions…all for the sake of making things obviously much worse and not a single promise fulfilled in existence…keeps the tears falling and flavors them with an indescribable sort of hate.
The cheap shots I end up throwing because all recourse, defense, chances for redress and simple justice have been wiped clean out of our reach.
When the ones who truly deserve the fury and who truly deserve to be stripped naked and beaten to death in public for the fires they set (pre and post mortem) haven’t set their putrid feet on this earth in well over a century.
It’s being executed by those who now sit fat and smug.
Be they heirs through actual or delusional royalty; they are determined and free to earn their living solely through centuries of wars with the double purposes of extinguishing our “worthless” lives and fattening their coffers.
With the temerity to coo at, teach and lecture us ,lifelong, throwing laws on “love, hope and peace” at us and our children… they bite our backs with expressions of disgust over us being pathetic for following orders and hold the nerve to justify murdering us based ON our following orders…which, by the horrid by, they’ve never given us any chance to NOT follow.
It’s no less disgusting than the GHB date rapist who marries his victim and blackens her eyes and splits her lip constantly, while snarling about what a “slut” she is, how worthless she is and that he promises to beat her unholy carcass until the day she acts right (the day he works very hard to assure never dawns)…when he was the exact cause of her every action and every humiliating failing in the first god forsaken place.
I’m not saying it’s a right nor polite anger. But I’m not about to flash some shy grin to embrace the “holy” obligation of my supposedly having to forgive all men for their trespasses…when they continue and accelerate their abuses, know it’s a farce and a perverse rib tickler of an evil joke for them and an excuse to hide behind.
As they enjoy the innocence of our helpless children, conduct their open air witchcraft and sashay to their conferences and meetings to openly discuss how they are going to manage their human livestock’s breeding habits, manage everything we do, from eating to screwing and all else to their high and mighty satisfaction.
Serial killings, murdered children in classrooms, crack epidemics, gang warfare, AIDS epidemics, women stoned into piles of ground meat, genocides allowed to go up to and on to millions without a god damned word from a United Nations that wormed its way into our lives on the sole “promise” of stopping those very attacks against humanity.
When all they have to show are pages upon thousands of pages of idiotic and flowery speeches, patting one another on the back and bowing and snuffling these equally endless promises. Ones that three generations of teenagers have had to suffer through-which always start with “We must come to a peaceful and kind solution” and ends with some tripe about their humble acknowledgments of yet another criminal’s attentions.
An insult that staggers the mind if one were to consider that they can mock our “weakness” and mistake our politeness (to save them from the embarrassment of feeling shamed by the obvious mental illnesses they present) for a brand of natural “moron-ship” that ranks us far below even the beasts they now insist on giving “civil rights”.
With the insult of their own soldiers and priests who rape and use children, where the only results are vile and heavy handed mob hostility for those of us who utter bitter complaint and don’t bow our heads to proclaim what “heroes” they are..
Entire sects of human people turned maliciously against one another, which result in legacy hate groups like the KKK and Black Panthers…who are both brothers who have been brought to their knees watching their daughters demeaned by society, who are both brothers who have been used in battle as disposable tools, both lied to and both kicked in their faces. Neither one respected nor defended by the sole powers who have sat above them and held each as slaves in unthinkably arrogant inhumane custody.
My occasional insults may not be right in a world where Man needs to exercise more civil restraint but I most certainly believe and know my feelings are not on any level “unjustified”.
Especially when those who control or seek to control each and every aspect of a human being’s life are as blatant as they are in killing us, lying to our faces, crippling us and going about each crime as if each one of us is literally obligated to exhibit satisfaction to live as NOTHING and to do NOTHING but lie there to be raped each day or simply stand there without any hope, security or solid ground to place our feet..at all.
For the millions of us who have been literally born into this tiresome and evil institution of willful abuse and groomed, manipulated and ‘manufactured’ to be “deviant beasts”, sometimes, there just aren’t any other responses other than spiteful insult.
And for this fact, I will never say that I’m sorry..whether I’m “wrong” or not..in a world where they smirk and guffaw out their own message, very proudly, about how wrong they know they are with zero intentions of being sorry.
photo By giorgiomtb